10. Getting sexy back.

10. Getting sexy back.
In pursuit of our full sex drive, if we are so inclined, we can explore a wide range of techniques and practices. Some engage in mindfulness or stillness exercises. Another novel approach is to create distance - particularly important as couples are spending more time together than ever before. For those seeking intensity, there are ways to manufacture a sense of danger, proven biochemically to heighten sexual interest. For the many of us who are leading busy lives, our libido can be rechanneled from other projects. But whatever road we choose, let us work toward defining our own jouissance: a personalized female sexuality. This process, as described in my book Sex Drive: In Pursuit of Female Desire, is not only possible but also liberating, leading to a more sensual life

9. Free range sexuality.

9. Free range sexuality.
In many ways female sexuality is still mysterious. And since scientists can't agree about what women's sexual response is, what constitutes female sexual dysfunction, or if women have a definitive sexual peak, it is unrealistic to expect us to have a similar sex drive. For women who no longer care for sex, or for those who never did, refuge may be found in this inability to prove what is 'normal.' Perhaps we can use this to free ourselves from comparing our sexuality to the sexuality of others and instead manifest our own sexual path.
Moreover, there has never been a culture where women have been encouraged to explore and experiment with their sensuality without censure. We don't understand the full potential of female sexuality, free range.

8. Pursuit of pink Viagra.

8. Pursuit of pink Viagra.
 Drug companies have been busy trying to undress the complexities of human sexuality in a race to create a "pink Viagra" - a global sex drug for women. A plethora of drugs targeting the female libido are steadily being researched. Such drugs, whether creams, patches, sprays or pills, target genital blood flow, hormones, or brain chemistry.
Female sex drugs are not yet on sale at your local pharmacy. Many are currently being trialed - for the second or third time - while most have been flat-out rejected by the FDA because they haven't been considered safe or effective enough for public consumption. This hasn't stopped doctors from prescribing such drugs 'off-label:' using legal drugs for unapproved purposes. Describing this, one big league researcher says an "uncontrolled clinical trial of the safety of testosterone is already happening in the community.

7. There is more than one type of sexual prime.

7. There is more than one type of sexual prime.
As we age, women often experience less desire due to many factors, including illness (their partners' and their own), and issues associated with self-image. However, although many of us are familiar with the notion of sexual prime in relation to the physical--body, genitals, and hormones--it is not the full picture. An emotional prime also exists, related to spirit, maturity, and fluidity with life. Physical and emotional factors are intertwined and interact in unpredictable and exciting ways. Many women experience a sexual renaissance in their later years. Fortunately, sexual prime can peak at any age.

6.The hand that rocks the cradle doesn't rock the bedroom.

6.The hand that rocks the cradle doesn't rock the bedroom. 
 Research indicates that one-third of couples experience significant sexual loss upon having children. For instance, across ninety studies, parents had lower marital satisfaction than non-parents, and a strong correlation was found between marital dissatisfaction and greater number of children. For women, it is increasingly difficult to carve out the duel identity of mother and sensual lover. Plus, there is a rival for her affections--children.

5. The so-called sexless marriage.

5. The so-called sexless marriage.
 Consider the current definition of a 'sexless marriage'--a relationship in which the couple has sex ten times a year or less. Really? So couples that have been together for a decade and are going through the highs and lows of life, have sex nearly once a month. Rather than brandishing a negative label, good for them, I say.

4. Actually, low female desire is 'normal.'

4. Actually, low female desire is 'normal.'
Women have been made to feel that having a low libido means something is wrong with them. Currently women with chronic low libido are pathologized as having a type of female sexual dysfunction called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). The trouble is, many of the researchers who have come up its nebulous definition have financial ties to pharmaceutical companies.
I argue that in a long-term monogamous relationship it is extremely common to have a lukewarm interest in sex and rarely initiate it. Far from being a disorder, low libido is just the natural state of affairs for many women.

3. Ditch the ROM com storyline.

3. Ditch the ROM com storyline.
Passionate monogamy, the goal for most, promises lust-ever-after. But we have unrealistic expectations about relationships. In actual fact, it is natural for sexual intensity to decline over the duration of a relationship, as we age, due to life pressures and when we have children. Although lust may dampen, it is possible to maintain love and connection, and increase our chances of desire showing up too.

2. Our desire to appear desirable exceeds desire itself.

2. Our desire to appear desirable exceeds desire itself.
It is well known that media and advertising can have a devastating effect on women's self-esteem--but it affects our sexual self-esteem too. Feeling like we don't live up to the physical ideal, women often grow to view themselves, and even their genitalia, as undesirable.
Rather than having sex, many women simply want to look like they are having sex. We are too busy chasing beautiful to want to kiss beautifully. Too busy chasing the veneer of desirability, to desire. Our animal instincts have become inverted: time devoted to preening overrides time devoted to mating and sexual pleasure.

1. Don't believe the hype: our sexuality is culturally relative.

1. Don't believe the hype: our sexuality is culturally relative.
Sexuality is shaped by culture and history. For example, a hundred years ago a woman who loved sex could be regarded as being mentally disturbed, whereas today if you don't love sex you could end up being diagnosed as dysfunctional. With this in mind, it pays to be skeptical of labels that pathologist sexual difference.

9. Say the “hard things” from love.

9. Say the “hard things” from love.
Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.
There you have it. Be kind to yourselves. Remember: change takes time and every step counts

8. Make time for your relationship.

8. Make time for your relationship.
No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.

7. Ask questions when you’re unsure or are making assumptions.

7. Ask questions when you’re unsure or are making assumptions.
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what’s not being said the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

6. Partner, heal thyself.

6. Partner, heal thyself.
Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.

5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”

5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”.
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.
The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

4. Develop and cultivate compassion.

4. Develop and cultivate compassion.
Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I really love her.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.

2. Separate the facts from the feelings.

2. Separate the facts from the feelings.
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.
Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe and “calm down.”
Remember it: your partner is not the enemy.

Tips of Love

Where did we learn? How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family and even work relationships.

About Female

When it comes to women's priorities, why, once in a secure relationship, is sex no longer on top? What is the true nature of female sexuality? Exploring what defines women's libido and why it becomes depleted, I investigate whether we have unrealistic expectations about our sex drive, who defines what is normal and abnormal, and if 'low libido' is in fact the natural order of things. I also provide concrete ways women can work toward defining their own jouissance a personalized female sexuality that can lead to a more sensual, vibrant life.

About Male

The truth is, male and female hormones are very much alike; in some cases, estrogen and testosterone compounds are set apart by a single atom. From moods to muscles, men are just as affected by hormones as we are. And, keeping male hormones in the proper balance offers a lot of benefits. Not only does the right amount of testosterone chase away dour attitudes, but it also translates into better sexual performance, improved fitness and increased overall health. Wondering if your guy is on the right track? We've got 10 things you should know. but Women hear a lot about hormones. From the time we hit puberty to well past menopause, there's a nearly constant undercurrent of information and implication that doggedly follow our every physiological move. Men, however, are often squarely in the dark when it comes to knowing exactly what their own chemical compounds are doing -- or not doing while coursing through their veins. You've probably heard of testosterone and, while it certainly plays an important role in men's health, it's only one of several hormones at work. Male-produced hormones each fuel a complex endocrine system that sends signals to organs throughout the body, from the brain to the testes. These hormone levels change from hour to hour And, if hormones get out of balance or begin to decline (which happens at about age 40, sometimes sooner), the body begins to store too much fat and prompts a person to eat when he is not really hungry. This slippery slope leads to metabolic syndromes, such as diabetes. A hormone imbalance also hampers a man's ability to fight stress, while making him feel exhausted, anxious, irritable and less interested in sex. If that doesn't sound like a cocktail for disaster, we don't know what does. So, what role does testosterone play in this cast of hormones? Maybe not the one you think.
Testosterone: It's a term often associated with road rage and televised wrestling championships. The truth is, testosterone doesn't really create overtly negative behaviors. So, if the man in your life has a penchant for screaming at drivers who cut him off in traffic, hormones aren't necessarily to blame. However, testosterone does affect the size and strength of muscle and bone so it could offer benefits if the screaming match progresses into fisticuffs. Testosterone one of several male hormones classified as androgens -- is also a prime player in sexual appetites and sperm production. It's also why men usually have deeper voices than women, as well as the ability to grow a beard or mustache
Testosterone can even impact the way a man feels about technology. Researchers at the University of Bath in England discovered pre-natal testosterone exposure affects the way a brain develops and, later in life, this allows gray matter an easier grasp of new technology. Turns out, people with high exposure to testosterone in utero were more inclined to embrace technology; those with lower levels of exposure had more computer-related anxiety. Despite testosterone's well-defined roles in men's health, it's a hormone women have, too.
Women produce testosterone naturally, secreting the hormone from their ovaries and adrenal glands. It's key in ovarian function, which means that women with proper testosterone levels ovulate regularly. Testosterone also improves bone strength, elevates mood and is even thought to stimulate sexual appetites . According to a recent study by scientists in Italy, women who received small doses of extra testosterone reaped a number of benefits. In addition to greater muscle strength and increased endurance, testosterone supplements also reduced insulin resistance, which is a precursor to diabetes. The news is especially promising for older women who, like men, experience a decline in hormone production as they age.But striking just the right balance of male hormones is tricky business, especially for women who'd like to increase their pregnancy odds.
There are a host of hormones that can affect a man's emotional and physical well-being, but one in particular becomes less reliable after age 60. Thyroid hormone declines with age, and a number of recent studies demonstrate a link between waning thyroid hormones and sexual dysfunction. This includes erectile dysfunction, which is the inability to maintain penile erection. The most common problems of low thyroid, or hypothyroid, also include declining sexual desire, but it doesn't stop there. Classic symptoms include weight gain, hair loss, memory loss, constipation and rough, dry skin. The good news is that with synthetic hormone replacement, these symptoms including erectile dysfunction caused by hypothyroidism usually reverse themselves.
When a woman has too much testosterone in her system, there are a few telltale symptoms: acne, irregular periods and weight gain. Elevated testosterone levels also cause acanthosis nigricans, a condition in which patches of dark skin appear on the back of the neck or other areas. It can also cause hirsutism, which is extra hair on the face or other parts of the body where thick hair normally doesn't grow. And, in the case of opposite-sex twins, testosterone exposure can even affect the odds a woman will someday marry. Researchers in England discovered adult female twins were 15 percent less likely to marry if they had a male twin and were 25 percent less likely to have children -- all attributed to in utero testosterone exposure.
When men have too much testosterone coursing through their veins, problems also arise. Too much of the chemical compound, and it can cause liver disease, while boosting levels of bad cholesterol and lowering levels of good cholesterol which can lead to heart disease. And, as excess testosterone naturally undergoes a chemical conversion within the body, it can cause acne and male pattern baldness.
There are plenty of benefits to a plentiful amount of male hormone, such as increased energy, alertness and muscle tone. Unfortunately, hormones also play a role in abnormal cell reproduction -- particularly for men. Cancer cells in the prostate, for example, are fueled by testosterone. This makes the indiscriminate use of testosterone creams and other replacement therapies a genuine health concern. Testosterone replacement therapy alone grew more than 24 percent from 2005 to 2009, the year it reached $838 million in annual sales. Before men add synthetic testosterone to their systems, they should undergo testing to be sure prostate cancer cells are present. About half of men age 50 and older probably have cancer cells lurking in their prostate.
It also pays to pay attention to another hormone melatonin regardless of gender. This hormone regulates your internal clock, and is the reason you become sleepy at night and wakeful in the morning. Seemingly innocuous behaviors, such as sleeping with a lamp glowing or television playing, can put you at increased risk for cancer. That's because light exposure at night short circuits melatonin production and could prompt abnormal cell growth.
Women aren't the only ones affected by depleting hormones. An estimated 4 million U.S. men have low levels of testosterone, a downward slide that begins at about age 40. Roughly equivalent to female menopause, the male version is dubbed "andropause" or "male menopause," and can wreak havoc on a man's weight, energy levels, moods and sex drive. Late-stage andropause, which occurs after age 70, may also signal the progression of Alzheimer's disease or even the penchant to develop age-related memory problems.
Replacing testosterone with synthetic hormone medications is an option, but it's not a simple fix. In 2009, a federally financed study of men using testosterone gel screeched to a halt when a high rate of cardiac complications cropped up. In 2010, a $45 million study by the National Institute on Aging is studying testosterone treatments. Pending any research-related revelations, men can turn to exercise and other lifestyle changes to help reduce weight, which can help them utilize testosterone more efficiently.
Few things are more frustrating than having a weight-loss battle with a man as your main competition. All things (including diet) being equal, men typically lose more weight than women. And they lose it faster. While it hardly seems fair, there's a physiological reason for their success: On average, they tote 40 pounds more muscle than women, and 10 times the testosterone. While the testosterone boosts metabolism, the increased muscle mass burns calories -- even while the body's resti. The good weight-loss luck begins to wear off, eventually. As men hit age 40, testosterone production decreases to the tune of about three percent each year for the rest of their lives. This makes it harder to maintain a fat-burning metabolism and, conversely, makes it easier to gain weight. Plus, men with large midsections are more likely to have low testosterone levels than those rocking flat abs, which lends itself to a weight-gain cycle.
 There's plenty of information about the wax and wane of female hormone levels throughout the month. But did you know that men's hormones rise and fall each month, too? These 30-day hormone cycles are still a controversial topic within the medical community, largely because there's not a lot of data to back up the idea. Still, it makes sense to many people that men probably experience monthly hormonal ups and downs that affects mood and energy levels. After all, there are seasonal, daily and even hourly deviations in hormone levels. Testosterone quantities can range up and down four or five times an hour, and are typically higher in the morning and lower at night. For many men, testosterone levels follow a seasonal pattern, too: They are increased in the fall and decreased in the spring. Keeping track of mood fluctuations for 30 days will likely reveal an emotional pattern prompted by hormones; simply understanding what's behind one's attitude can make a big difference in daily interactions.
 For women, the loss of androgens begins surprisingly early before age 40 and results in fatigue, loss of bone mass and decreased sexual desire. For men, this gradual change usually peaks at age 50 and ushers in everything from male-pattern baldness to osteoporosis, which is a loss of bone density. A reduction in androgens, which includes testosterone, can have emotional impacts as well. While recent research refutes the fact that male hormones make men act more aggressively, there is one stereotype that seems to hold true: The midlife crisis. About the time a man reaches age 50, he may become bored with his career, marital status or the American dream in general, but this emotional reaction has physiological roots. Rather than seeking a boost from a new sports car, most men would be better served by a simple blood test. That's because it can uncover potentially low testosterone levels, which may be the source of depression or dissatisfaction.

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